A few things arose yesterday to throw me for a loop, unexpectedly. The first was going to further investigate a very interesting post doc opportunity at the University of Arizona in Tucson that M had sent the announcement for, and discovering that it was a half time, hourly position paying $23 an hour. For some reason I had missed that. It added to a feeling of being frustrated and somewhat demoralized in the face of looking at employment more directly related to the PhD, and outside of secondary school teaching.
Then I happened upon a very interesting article that uses some innovative approaches to molecular phylogeny, namely, incorporating abiotic variables like climate, geography, and soil type, to increase phylogenetic inference. I had not seen this method used before. It was a weird feeling, as if I have been away from something I am supposed to be doing, for way too long. There was also a link to something called the "Mammillaria genome project, on the Researchgate page. I had no idea there was such a thing. That's the genus that I studied for my PhD. So that added to a feeling of being left out of a lot of activity that I could probably contribute to.
Later, a Facebook friend and cactus acquaintance posted that he had written a summary for the IUCN Cactaceae group of an article that he is lead author on, supposedly coming out in a few months, outlining the potential impacts of climate change on the entire cactus family using species distribution models. The first weird thing was that I didn't even know that this guy was a PhD student at U of A. I know him as a nursery owner. The second weird thing is he is working with high powered co-authors. The third weird thing is that somehow they are doing a study of the entire cactus family, which seems unlikely to me, lol. Yet another weird thing: when I commented on his post and said I was eager to read the journal article and asked if he would keep me posted, he basically ignored me. I got this weird feeling that there's a sense of competition with someone I barely even know and I had no idea. Yet again, I felt like: why am I not involved in this project? I have actually published a peer reviewed study connected to it. Why am I not involved with the IOS? One of my PhD committee members is co-chair of the organization. This piled on to the feeling of being left out of everything, really. Like, hello? What the fuck. I am right over here, having published in all of these areas.
So I guess I will start to put out feelers and see if I can get involved somehow. I have no idea why colleagues don't even think of incorporating me into these projects. It's challenging not to take it personally. The feeling of FoMo is definitely enhanced by teaching high school full time, and by a whole round of rejections from post doc applications last year. But I'll just communicate with various people and see if I can get a more positive response.
It's been challenging in this regard ever since I finished the PhD. The universe is not easily opening any doors. I had a dream the other night that two of my old committee members arranged for me to do a post doc at my old school, and gave me an office, and helped me out, getting some office equipment, lab equipment, etc. It was not much, but I was really excited in the dream. I have felt absolutely no mentoring or support since I have graduated. No word of mouth, no referrals, nothing. Some support in finishing co-authored manuscripts, which has been good, but no invitations to participate in projects or anything. I applied to another post doc for which I am very well suited, but of course have heard absolutely nothing. One of the weirder aspects of job searches these days is that most labs or schools or other employers don't even send a polite rejection. It's interesting to me. It seems like a fairly new thing. In the old days, at least a form letter was sent to all applicants. Or maybe I am misremembering.
The third manuscript out of the dissertation is in editorial limbo ("in process" since December 8th), and I am not currently involved in any new research activities, which is also part of the issue. I'm not sure what kind of research I could rustle up, with the full time high school job.
It's also feeling weird that we are going back to in person teaching tomorrow, in spite of the alarming stats on the spread of omicron. Sigh. It seems to me our whole country has just gone insane. I mean, I guess it's not news. But we shall see.
Meanwhile, here's a beautiful photograph from Baja California from 2013, when I used to go down just for vacation and do field work. I hadn't even started the PhD yet. Simpler times. The very wet and humid Sierra la Laguna in the winter. From the first time I managed to locate Morangaya pensilis after searching a couple times a year for five years.
Peter,
I appreciate your post so much. Be gentle with yourself and remember not to personalize feeling a disconnection with what colleagues in your field may be doing. Due to the pandemic and economic challenges, universities across the country are moving through unprecedented upheavals. That you have moved so swiftly after earning your doctorate to secure employment and to continue to publish is such an accomplishment. I celebrate you and believe in you.
Best wishes to you and Melanie for a New Year filled with every joy,
Anne
Thanks Anne! It’s hard not to spiral sometimes, but things are ever changing for sure.