Last night, my first back in the apartment in LA since December 18, a whole other experience ago, I had a dream that L, her husband, and I were hanging out in Santa Fe, and L was looking at a weird tarot card reading she had done for herself. Her husband knew everything in this dream and was fine with it, although there was some odd tension in the air for sure. L was reading the cards *entirely wrongly* in my opinion but I mostly didn't say anything. They were weird sort of childlike picture cards, and seemed stupid to me. Then she and her husband started talking about moving "back to Phoenix" (which is weird, of course) and they were extremely disparaging and sarcastic. I suddenly felt oddly protective of Phoenix and tried to hold a more positive view. I got tired of the scene and left. It was an energetic turning point kind of dream for sure, since her husband was in it, "knew everything," our affair was in the past, and I was finding her to be infantile and annoying. And I was not enjoying spending any time with either of them, haha.
Returning has involved unpacking, cleaning, doing three loads of laundry, cleaning my floors. The throw that I use on my bed, which was a gift from Fortune dot com for my sister, like, a week before they fired her, two weeks after her husband died, had been covered with extremely fine red dust at Organ Pipe. I unwittingly tracked a bunch of that annoying dust into my place and on my comforter, so that was a big cleanup. Vacuuming the floors, steam cleaning, trying to get back into domestic life here.
I am thinking of M constantly, and want to be talking with her, like, all the time. She made me laugh recently, saying "I liked how chatty you were in the morning," and I realized it was true, and really, really unusual for me. I am not a morning person whatsoever usually, and have long preferred being quiet, getting some coffee in me, before much conversation. But with M, there's a conversational chemistry that kind of took over. I hope it wasn't too annoying. I do know that, after the 48 hour visit, I had an actual sore throat from talking so goddamned much. I listened a lot, too. I guess we both felt inspired to talk.
Meanwhile, I woke up yesterday with the fierce impulse to shout from the rooftops that M and I had thrown in our lots with each other, and got her clearance to do so, on Facebook. However, unbeknownst to me, the relationship status feature tags the other person, in which case the announcement shows up on their Facebook timeline. She had intended to ease some of her people into the announcement a bit more, and it has caused a certain amount of confusion, hurt feelings, and judgment from her family and her ex-husband's family. It's amazing to me how many people want to make someone else's decision about how they feel, or how they think someone should live, or what they should do with their lives, or how they should try to find happiness. I used to encounter that a lot more in the past but I guess I made it clear I did not care what other people thought about my decisions and, so, no one bothers to tell me anymore. Many friends were wisely cautious about the affair with L, but that wasn't along unsupportive or judgmental lines, but more out of a concern for my well being.
Time for left over mu shu chicken and a nap. It's cloudy and cold here in LA, feeling like the middle of whatever passes for winter here.
The below, the view across Bahía de Los Angeles in Baja, a few winters ago.
Peter, what great news! I rejoice with you.