The long distance nature of the newly forming relationship is triggering many memories of the affair with L, and how I spent all of the money necessary for L and I to visit with each other, and she never pitched in anything. The new love is not like this in any way, and we have clearly discussed equitable arrangements for travel and visit expenses, but just the process of making plane reservations ($99.96 *total* round trip from LAX to PHX) and so on has stirred many memories. When I got the email notification of my flight confirmation from Southwest, it was a reminder. I have not fully realized how deeply wounded and even traumatized I was by many aspects of the affair. Many of those wounds are being stirred up now. It's not bad, it's just process.
I keep remembering with great reassurance that M is *not married* and is available, and is *behaving* as if she is available. When I watch the movie with the sound off so far, all is well. But my anxiety comes up anyway. My trust is just low, low, low. It will work itself out, though. I feel rebuilding happening. What I want is friendship first, in that way where whatever needs to be talked about can be on the table. So far, M and I are skillfully navigating this atmosphere. It's helpful.
I am gobsmacked and bowled over.
My best friend of 38 years responded to the news enthusiastically. "The stars have aligned at last!" He was also pleased to see that M has a dog. haha.
Anyway, my two week break from teaching comes to an end after four more days. I have done precious little work, and have actually had to force myself to take a break. I had forgotten how professionally driven I can get when I have a full time job. I leave San Diego the day after tomorrow, New Year's Day, back to my apartment in West LA. I'm looking forward to it, in ways I did not expect. I'm looking forward to getting back into the teaching routine. Looking forward to the new topics we are going to be exploring in environmental science (biomes), chemistry (acid-base chemistry) and biology (photosynthesis and respiration). Looking forward to living on new terms with my heart, somehow.
I hope there's a Glacier NP trip in the offing this summer, with M. We've already talked about it.
💕