I find myself encountering limitations in myself, regarding what I am able to show up for, currently, in all of my relationships, including the new relationship with M. It feels like a scarcity of resources on an emotional level, and like a lack of resiliency, and a lack of patience. Also, a lack of perspective. I am hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware these days, so aware that I may even be aware of things that are not occurring. There's an opportunity to communicate about some specifics later this evening, and I look forward to that. But meanwhile, I was up at 5:30 this morning, and before that, at about 2 a.m., angry and worried about things that I am not even sure are happening.
This is one of the key features of codependency for me. A lack of clarity about relationship dynamics, where big issues go virtually unnoticed, and ordinary small things get blown way, way out of proportion. A lack of perspective, an inability to think straight, as Bill W calls alcoholism in the Big Book. Same thing with relationships. I can easily feel slighted, insulted, criticized, when nothing serious is happening. At the same time, huge, serious issues can sometimes not even appear in my field of vision. It's a big challenge for me. With L., I would easily forgive her total lack of reliability or availability, but my feelings would get hurt by a text message that didn't seem affectionate enough, for example. These kinds of out of proportion reactions are part of the surreality of relationships for me, and always have been. I also construct stories about my work relationships and friendships. Recovery from codependency has helped with this paranoia, quite a bit. Deep breaths, a pause, and some of the skills from Marsha Linehan's dialectical behavioral therapy (especially observing and describing, and doing a chain analysis) have helped a ton.
M. had mentioned on her blog taking the Friel Codependent Assessment Inventory, which I remember taking when I was in counseling back in 2017. At that time, my score was in the 46 or over range, "Severe need for concern and intervention." I took it again last night and got a 36, "Moderate to severe need for concern." So, from severe to moderate in 3.5 years. I'll take it. It is hitting home, though, how important it is for me to get back into counseling therapy and get my virtual ass to some Zoom CoDA meetings.
Meanwhile, a couple years ago, when I was face down for this entire week, staring at my phone or the floor, I put together a bunch of pics from several Facebook albums. Posting here just for something to look at.
