Melody Beattie's daily reflection type thing from November 9 was all about inequities in the energy of a relationship, particularly how hard we sometimes tend to work to make up for the lack of presence or availability of another person. One of my exes had the metaphor of two people moving a sofa, and how much work it can be for one person to try to move the damn thing if the other person puts down their end. The affair was necessarily way, way out of balance, since I had appended myself as a satellite to an entire life that was already going on. I think this created a ton of the pain, really. I sometimes thought of it as being at the bottom of the list of someone who was by far at the top of mine. I got a distinct hit of the self loathing that was behind my willingness to put myself in that position for so long, earlier today. It's remarkable how much other work I got done, in teaching, writing, finishing the PhD, and all other areas, even in the face of eye surgeries, other health issues, persistent depressive disorder, all while exerting tremendous energy to try to make something utterly hopeless actually work. I feel like I may well only now be really decompressing. I woke up this morning wondering if I might be able to invite the positive into my life, and focus on gratitude. It was the first such generally positive set I have experienced in a long time. The degree to which I have been traumatized by the challenges of the PhD and the breakup of three years ago, and the affair, and health issues, and all of these things taken together as well as singly, may well not be fully realized for a long time to come. I spent hours yesterday cleaning my place and doing laundry. Then I cooked a great dinner, and generally had a good, grounding, pleasant time. Learning to enjoy the hermit life. It's remarkable how the loneliness of the solitary existence is sometimes completely offset by a sense of vast freedom and complete independence. It's especially emphasized now that I am working from home. Getting back out into the world when the pandemic is finally over is going to be an adjustment, probably. One of the odd time sinks that I fell into today was putting together a new playlist of music for the MP3 player I use in my car. Vaguely preparing for two wilderness excursions that are on the way, one over Thanksgiving and the other over the winter break. I am eager to get out under stars, to balance this extreme urban life. If there were no pandemic, I would go to Bahía de Los Angeles, in Baja, pictured above. But I intend to respect the Mexican government's plea that Americans only go to Baja for essential travel. Maybe I'll go somewhere super wintry instead. Up to Montana or somewhere. The first trimester of the teaching job draws to a close this week, already. The time between Thanksgiving and the winter break is fairly short, too. About three weeks. I was feeling like I had just moved to Los Angeles not long ago, but then I realized it was July 26th. That's like four months ago, basically. It has all just gone flying by. "The swiftness of time is God's mercy," says my old pal William Blake.