Madly in love. Seems unlikely, I realize. But it is so. A long virtual friendship in which I was denying, refusing, and pushing back a ton of other feelings, as well as, obviously, obsessed with a 100% unavailable person. All it took was a visit in person to this friend's town, to set my entire heart and soul ablaze. The two of us spent from about 2 pm Christmas Day until 2:30 pm on the 27th together, and it unfolds in my memory like weeks and weeks, but in a grand and beautiful way. That mysterious, timeless quality that a powerful encounter has. I had gone into the visit thinking, in fact, that an in-person encounter would set both of us straight and make us realize that we were suited as friends, but nothing more. In spite of my panicky fears, totally shot trust, cynicism about matters of the heart, incredible armor, nostalgia over L, fierce sense of independence, from the moment M and I started interacting, I just knew. I totally knew. It was still terrifying, at first. This can't be happening, was the basic theme. That quickly turned into "how can I control how this is happening" to "give it up, man." The catalyst was her, stepping way, way out, more than a month ago, to confess a "mad crush" on me. I am so deeply grateful she had the courage to do this, since I would not have gone there, even if I had been able to put my fears and resistance aside, as I was telling myself the story that I "need to be alone for years." One of our conversations during the 48 hour visit was about how often the stories we tell about ourselves are not true, sometimes for the worse, often for the better. I had no idea I was even capable of what I am now feeling. The practicalities are fearsome, although both of us are 100% available and there's no necessity for secrets or other nonsense, except to be measured, and to protect things, if necessary, and to give her daughter room to process her recent divorce. We encounter each other on open ground, both of us deeply wounded, but with nothing to hide. She knows the whole story of L. I know much about her marriage and divorce. This experience is a powerful reminder to put my relationship recovery skills to good use, including maintaining a strong sense of myself, being honest with myself no matter what, and communicating clearly and honestly. I want to get into some CoDA Zoom meetings for sure, and I'm realizing how much I have missed being actively in recovery from codependency. As always, there are a lot of ways for me to make serious mistakes in this unfolding encounter. There's also deep, astonished gratitude. This development was entirely unexpected for me. In retrospect, I can see many occasions where I pushed aside interest in M, due to my own sense of self protection, and my own conviction of my essential brokenness. I am now letting go of a lot of fear and self protection while staying present and discriminating, paying attention to the actual woman out there, being aware of my idealizing projections, pushing through a lot of impulses from past ways of being. There must have been a lot going on, intuitively, for me to honor my impulse to visit her, I realize in retrospect. I felt utterly blindsided, at first, by the intensity of my feelings for this woman, but then, realized there had been a lot of tilled ground that I had just been ignoring for months. Our agreement now is to prioritize the friendship above all, and to be honest with ourselves and each other. Both of these intentions feel like useful shields.